Building your Childs Character by Holding Them Accountable

Building Your Child's Character by Holding Them Accountable

"No individual can achieve worthy goals without accepting accountability for his or her own actions." ~ Dan Miller

Have you ever felt that the consequences you give to your children just aren't getting through to them? That no matter what you try to do to keep them accountable they seem to ignore your warnings? Or even worse when they face consequences, they feel that they are undeserved and try to argue their way out of it?

As a father and middle school educator, I know all too well the challenges that come with trying to hold children accountable. I mean who can blame them for not wanting to take responsibility for their actions? Many adults have trouble doing it, in fact, if you made your way to this blog, you're likely in a high-conflict co-parent relationship with your ex because they also can't take accountability. To be frank, taking responsibility for one's negative actions doesn't feel good and our egos want to protect us from feeling like we're a bad person. However, regardless of our feelings taking accountability is important because not only does it help us become more self-aware, it helps us develop better relationships with those around us. (LinkedIn) 

Keep reading to find practical strategies for fostering accountability in your children.

Understanding Accountability: Foundation for Success

Accountability is nothing more than facing the consequences of one's actions. Consequences aren’t always unpleasant; they can be gratifying. For example, taking accountability for one's grades can lead to high marks and rewards. While taking accountability for staying out late can lead to the lose of social privileges. "In coaching your children in accountability and responsibility it’s important they can associate decision-making and actions with the potential of reward as well as consequence (crash parenting) "

Think of a person you may know who is never held accountable by themselves or others. That's usually the person you don't want to be around. They're entitled and act like their god’s gift to earth as they do whatever they please. Or they are the type of person that blames everyone else for their misfortune while they indulge in their misery as they let life happen to them. They leech off of people who affirm them that their sorrows are not their fault. Or worse, a combination of the two.

Now think of the person who is held accountable, especially the people who holds themselves accountable. They are usually the most trustworthy people, the who innovators that achieve their goals, and the athlete who breaks decades-held records. Accountability says "I see where I've faltered and now I'll take corrective action to be better every time from here on out." Accountability is the hearth where confidence, trustworthiness, and independence are forged.

The Role of the Parent: Leading by Example

Humans are social creatures so we learn best by observing others. Your behaviors were shaped by those you grew up around and the people you spend most of your time with. Likewise, the same is true for your children. If you're going to teach them to be accountable - it's going to have to start with you.

Teaching accountability doesn't have to be some big lecture every time it's brought up. Honestly, it's preferable to teach it in bite-sized chunks than full-course meals every time. You can show accountability by keeping a promise to your kid or apologizing when you "accidentally" throw their precious artwork out. When your children are around, make it a point to take ownership of your actions, without being so in their face with it.

Practical Strategies for Teaching Accountability

I've worked in many settings with children besides being a father, such as a direct support professional in an acute hospital setting for children experiencing mental health crises and as a teacher for the last 7 years. I've learned that children are best able to be held accountable and hold themselves accountable when they know what's expected of them. For example, you want your child to keep a clean room so they need to know what your standard is for a clean room such as clothes off the floor and folded or hung up, the room should be vacuumed or swept, with all furniture dusted.

After you've set the guidelines you must put in appropriate consequences. You want the consequences to be more natural than punitive. Returning to the clean room example we can set a natural consequence of not turning on the wi-fi until the room is cleaned to the standards you've set in place, once the task is complete turn on the wi-fi. If it were punitive then even when the room is cleaned they'd have no reason to follow through. The main thing is to be consistent, don't let their attitude or tears win you over.

Another way to teach accountability to your children is by encouraging problem-solving in their everyday lives and fixing their mistakes. If they make a spill, they clean it up and figure out what they need to complete the job. If they miss a school assignment, assist them in reaching out to their teachers so that they may get another opportunity, even if it's a reduced grade.  One thing I’ve done in the past is help my daughters track habits that they’ve deemed they want to incorporate into their lives using apps like Habitica or paper habit trackers. 

Here’s a bonus strategy for teaching accountability; positive reinforcement.  Positive reinforcement is the process of rewarding or reinforcing desirable behavior to increase the likelihood that the behavior will be repeated in the future (Staddon & Cerruti, 2003).  Although the aim is to take accountability based on integrity it still feels good to be rewarded from time to time.  Maybe after keeping their room clean for a month you award them with V-Bucks for Fortnite or increase their bedtime by thirty minutes for your teens.  The more specific the positive reinforcements to your child, the more likely you are to see results.

Overcoming Common Challenges

At this point, you probably think this all sounds good, but teaching accountability is not so simple.  Most if not all children will have resistance to facing accountability.  It happens.  The main thing is to remain firm in your approach to applying consequences.  It is important to understand that your child may get upset with you and lash out and say hurtful things.  At that point you must remember that you are a parent, in a thankless job to raise productive members of society.  Your conviction must be stronger than their resistance.

Another common barrier that you may face in holding your child or teen accountable is due to guilt.  If you have split with your child's other parent you may feel that the split up is your fault so how could you hold your child responsible?  At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter whose fault it was for the break-up or divorce, what matters is that despite that you are a raised and mentally strong child.  The consequences become much greater as they become more and more unmanageable (The Psychology of Not Holding Children Accountable). 

Another issue that divorced or separated parents who are parallel parenting might run into is holding a child accountable in your home while they are not facing consequences for those actions in another home.  For instance my eldest daughter was facing consequences of essentially bullying her younger sister, she faced consequences in my home but their mother took no action.  So my daughter was reluctant to come to my home for some time because of her accountability.  It caused a lot of conflict at first but what I did was hold the line.  I ended up having to have several talks with my daughter before she could understand why she needed to be held accountable.  

Despite these common challenges you can still be successful holding your children accountable.  Make child facing checklists, reminders or visual aids to keep them on track.  Remember everyone does better meeting expectations when they are clear in what they are and it in turn makes it easier to hold them accountable.  On the parenting side, ensure you do what you can to have expectations shared among caregivers so that accountability can be reinforced in all spaces.  Take control of your emotions, if you're emotional expect your child will react similarly.  Finally be firm in your conviction, as the adage goes “Speak even when your voice shakes.” 

The Balance Between Grace and Accountability

It’s important to remember that taking accountability is a learned skill that takes time and practice for adults so we can expect the same from children.  When holding your children accountable meet them with understanding and compassion.  For instance, my daughter was upset about being punished and tried to explain to me why she shouldn’t be grounded.  Her reasoning was nonsensical to me and I let her know it. Wasn’t the best move on my part.  It drove a wedge between us because what I realized after some reflection was that I didn’t value her thoughts.  After that reflection, I had another talk with my daughter and checked my emotions at the door.  Not only did she open up to me, but she was also more receptive to the consequences of her actions.

Parenting is hard and this is one of the most difficult skills to teach our children.  Tailor your approach to the needs of your children.  Sometimes they need you to be firm in the moment, other times they need a parent who has taken the emotion out of it in order to guide them.  Also, remember life is hard even for our children.  Showing grace does not mean not holding your child accountable, it means taking each circumstance as unique and making adjustments as necessary.  The better you know your child and your expectations of them, the easier this skill will come for you.

Real-Life Examples: Success Stories

In the moment teaching your child to be responsible and accountable may not feel good but give it some time you’ll notice the results.   Back to my example of holding my oldest daughter accountable, she was resistant and ran from her consequences, by refusing to come to scheduled parenting time.  I was crushed and felt I was failing as a parent but as I continued to follow through she accepted her accountability with no more pushback.  Her rebellion did not last long in this instance and her behavior has improved in the area of concern.  

Conclusion: Raising Accountability, One Step at a Time

Main Points

The Importance of Accountability: Accountability helps children become self-aware, build better relationships, and develop independence and trustworthiness. It is a skill essential for long-term success.

Parental Leadership: Parents must lead by example by taking ownership of their actions and demonstrating accountability in everyday situations.

Practical Strategies: Set clear expectations and communicate them effectively.

Use natural consequences that directly correlate with the behavior.

Encourage problem-solving and self-correction.

Incorporate positive reinforcement to reward good behavior and progress.

Overcoming Challenges: Be consistent and firm in applying consequences, address parental guilt, and strive for consistency across co-parenting environments.

Balancing Grace and Accountability: Understand that accountability is a learned skill and meet children with compassion while holding them to high standards.

Real-Life Success Stories: Highlighted examples show that persistence in teaching accountability leads to positive behavioral changes over time.

Words of Affirmation

Accountability isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress. With patience and consistency, we can raise children who take pride in their actions and choices.

Take Action

Try one strategy from this blog post with your child this week. Whether it’s setting clear expectations or implementing a natural consequence, take the first step toward fostering accountability. Share your experiences in the comments or on social media to inspire and learn from others in the parenting community.