Counter Parenting: What It Is and How to Navigate It Successfully

By Keith Wilson, M. Ed | Certified Life Coach

Parenting is already one of the most challenging yet rewarding journeys in life. But when you throw in counter parenting—where one parent intentionally or unintentionally undermines the other’s parenting efforts—it can become even more complicated. If you’ve found yourself constantly at odds with your co-parent over rules, discipline, or general parenting philosophy, you’re not alone. Counter-parenting is more common than many people realize, and it can create confusion, frustration, and emotional distress for both the parents and, more importantly, the child.

In this article, we’ll dive into what counter parenting is, how it manifests, and, most importantly, how to navigate it while keeping your child’s best interests at heart.

What Is Counter Parenting?

Counter-parenting occurs when one parent deliberately contradicts, undermines, or opposes the parenting choices of the other parent. This can happen in relationships where the parents are still together but have vastly different parenting styles, or in co-parenting situations following a separation or divorce.

Unlike co-parenting, which is a collaborative effort to raise a child together despite personal differences, counter-parenting is often fueled by personal resentment, differences in values, or a desire to exert control over the parenting dynamic. It can be subtle or overt and can range from disagreements over minor issues (like bedtimes) to more serious conflicts involving major life decisions (such as education, discipline, and healthcare).

Common Examples of Counter Parenting

• Discipline Differences – One parent enforces rules while the other dismisses them, making it difficult for the child to understand boundaries.

• Bad-Mouthing – One parent criticizes the other in front of the child, creating division and confusion.

• Inconsistency in Rules – The child has different expectations and consequences in each household, leading to manipulation or defiance.

• Refusing to Communicate – One parent disregards the other’s concerns or avoids discussing parenting decisions altogether.

• Using the Child as a Messenger – Rather than speaking directly to each other, parents use their child to relay messages, putting unnecessary emotional strain on them.

In my experience as a father parenting with a counter-parent, I have many such examples of each one of the examples provided. My most recent example comes from my teen daughters having inconsistent rules regarding screen time. In my home, my daughter's screen time is limited. They turn their phones in an hour before bed and they also don't get it until noon on weekends and 3:30 on weekdays. One night my daughter was upset that she had to turn her phone in. She immediately called her mother to come and pick her up because she didn't want to follow the rules. Instead of explaining to our daughter that she should follow the rules set forth by me in my home, she offered to our daughter to come pick her up causing the situation to escalate. I was forced with a difficult decision to keep my daughter against her will or allow her to go and escape rules. Either decision would ultimately undermine my authority and parenting.

Why Does Counter Parenting Happen?

Understanding the root causes of counter parenting can help you better navigate the situation. Here are some common reasons why one parent might engage in counter parenting:

1. Unresolved Emotional Issues

Divorce or separation can bring about resentment, anger, or unresolved pain. Sometimes, one parent may act out these feelings by contradicting the other’s parenting style as a way to regain control or “get back” at them.

2. Differences in Parenting Styles

Even couples who are still together can have conflicting views on parenting. One parent might lean toward a strict, authoritarian approach, while the other favors a more relaxed, permissive style. When these differences aren’t communicated or compromised on, they can turn into counter-parenting.

3. Power Struggles

For some, parenting becomes a battle of who has more influence over the child. This can lead to one parent purposefully disregarding the other’s efforts to maintain the upper hand.

4. Lack of Boundaries

If clear boundaries weren’t established early on—especially post-divorce—one parent may overstep, making unilateral decisions without the other’s input.

5. Parental Alienation

In more extreme cases, counter-parenting turns into parental alienation, where one parent deliberately tries to damage the child’s relationship with the other parent. This is emotionally harmful to the child and can have long-term psychological consequences.

In the summer of 2024, my daughter had been having a difficult time with friends, disrespecting family members and saying hurtful things. I noticed that maybe she should see someone about these issues and find a therapist. I shared my concerns with my child's mother. There was minimal discussion about the concerns but she reluctantly agreed to therapy. I signed my daughter up and after the first session, she took our daughter out and her reason was that I didn't tell her about the appointment. Something she had access to. In situations like this even when your child's best interest is at stake, the counter-parent will go to any lengths to ensure you don't have a positive impact while they maintain a "upper hand".

Insert personal anecdote here: A moment when you realized your co-parent was acting from a place of resentment rather than in the child’s best interest.)

How to Navigate Counter Parenting

While counter-parenting can be frustrating and emotionally draining, there are ways to manage it effectively while protecting your child’s well-being.

1. Prioritize the Child’s Best Interests

At the core of every decision, ask yourself: How does this affect my child? If an action or reaction fuels further conflict, it’s important to step back and reevaluate. Even if your co-parent refuses to collaborate, you can still set an example by focusing on what’s best for your child rather than engaging in the conflict.

2. Communicate Effectively (Even If It’s One-Sided)

In cases where open communication is difficult, keep conversations factual and child-focused. If face-to-face conversations lead to arguments, opt for email or text messages that keep things businesslike. Document agreements and disagreements to avoid future disputes.

(Insert personal anecdote here: A time when you had to adjust your communication style to avoid unnecessary arguments.)

3. Stay Consistent in Your Own Parenting

Even if your co-parent refuses to align with you, staying consistent in your own household creates stability for your child. Children thrive on routine and predictability, so maintaining rules, discipline, and expectations in your home can provide them with a sense of security.

4. Set Firm Boundaries

You cannot control what happens in your co-parent’s household, but you can set clear boundaries regarding communication, decision-making, and conflict resolution.

For example:

• “I will not engage in negative conversations about the other parent in front of our child.”

• “I will not argue about parenting differences in front of the child.”

• “All major parenting decisions must be discussed beforehand.”

5. Pick Your Battles

Not every disagreement requires a confrontation. If your co-parent allows an extra 30 minutes of screen time, is it worth a major argument? However, if they consistently undermine discipline or expose your child to harm, those are battles worth fighting.

6. Avoid Involving the Child in Conflicts

No matter how tempting it is to vent to your child, they should never feel like they need to pick sides. Protect them from the emotional burden of adult conflicts.

Biting your tongue and not bad-mouthing the other parent can be challenging and I admit that I have not always succeeded during times of great frustration and pushback from my co-parent. It is a skill that a parent in a high-conflict parenting relationship must build. Most recently that skill came into play when my daughter refused to turn in her phone stating her mother pays for the phone and any school support I give to her is put away and not used. it was a deliberate attempt at her mother to minimize my responsibilities and authority with my children. It took restraint to say only "That may be true but in my home, you follow my rules."

7. Seek Support

Dealing with counter-parenting alone can be exhausting. Consider therapy or joining a support group to gain insight from others in similar situations. Family counselors or mediators can also help facilitate healthier communication between co-parents.

8. Consider Legal Options If Necessary

If counter-parenting crosses into harmful behavior, such as parental alienation, neglect, or endangerment, legal intervention may be necessary. A lawyer can help establish custody agreements that protect your rights as a parent.

One way to combat counter-parenting is to take legal action. In my 14 years as a parent, I've had to go to court dozens of times to ensure that my rights and the well-being of my children are secured. One of the best options is to draft and file a detailed parenting plan that covers everything from communication to discipline. Having a parenting plan that is complete and covers a wide range of topics would have saved me time and money. Learn what a parenting plan is and draft one with my course.

Final Thoughts

Counter-parenting is an unfortunate reality for many families, but it doesn’t have to define your parenting journey. By staying consistent, setting boundaries, and prioritizing your child’s emotional well-being, you can navigate these challenges with resilience and grace.

The ultimate goal isn’t to “win” against your co-parent—it’s to ensure that your child grows up feeling loved, secure, and supported. Even if your co-parent refuses to align with your approach, your stability and positive influence will have a lasting impact on your child’s development.

Have you experienced counter parenting? How did you handle it? Share your thoughts in the comments below—I’d love to hear your perspective.

You’re not alone. Counter parenting is more common than many people realize, and it can create confusion, frustration, and emotional distress for both the parents and, more importantly, the child.